to my son on your fifth birthday.
hunter,
five years ago, five weeks before your due date, you arrived. tiny and pink and blonde.as my water broke i repeated, “it’s too early,” over and over. i wasn’t ready. but you were.
and then the next morning with auntie holding my hand, i became a mom. out you came with the brightest, bluest eyes i had ever seen. in those moments and in the five years that have since followed, i have come to understand that despite my best efforts, there is very little in motherhood, and in life that i am able to control. you wouldn’t nurse, you wouldn’t sleep, and you have never stopped moving.
you run everywhere – just like me.
you are anxious, obsessive, and impatient – just like me.
you are brilliant.
you challenge me. you never stop challenging me.
you still love the beastie boys and have a new found appreciation for bright eyes.
you love vegetables and fruit and making noise.
you love being in the woods and picking pine cones.
you collect rocks and gems and crystals.
you love outer space and puddles of mud.
you have holes in the knees of almost every pair of pants you own.
you are charming and funny and inquisitive.
you are beautiful.
hunter i know i lose my patience often. just like you. everyday i try to be the best mama. some days i am more successful than others. some days i flat out fail. but i need you to know how thankful i am YOU are my boy. in just five years you have taught me so much. when i grow up i want to be like YOU.
this year is a big one. five. five. FIVE.
i’ve spent almost every moment of your life with you dude. and i swear to you – i have gone to bed every one of those days thankful for my time with you. every damn day. even the messy exhausting ones. for every first – i was there. and i will cherish these moments and years for the rest of my days. if i do nothing else in this life, being your mother will be enough.
soon you will be in school, spending hours with friends. you will have a life separate of me. and i know in my brain that is good. but in my heart, well my heart is having trouble with it.
hunter hagop i am so excited to see what this year brings and what you will teach me.
i love you i love you i love you.
xx
mommy
