i wanna marry a lighthouse keeper

i never dreamed of a wedding ceremony… never thought about selecting a china pattern or registering for linens… never imagined what song i would dance to with my husband.

when anthony asked me to marry him i could not have been more thrilled. a lifetime with the most beautiful boy on earth? yes please! that being said, i was less excited about the actual wedding and the planning/headaches ahead. i was afraid to vocalize this… to anthony… to my readers… even to myself.

i support every couple’s right to plan the day of their dreams. court house, destination, or blow out bash – each duo should decide how their day will look. big weddings are a blast. it is so much fun to be part of an all out love extravaganza, but ‘over the top amazing’ has become the new normal. it is repeatedly ingrained in girls’s hearts that the princess dress, the engagement shoot, and the picture perfect day are what we should desire.

the shiny bells and whistles are lovely, but not my style. pinterest and bridal magazines, make made me feel abnormal. like there is something wrong with not having a color scheme predetermined. i find myself unable to get excited about centerpieces and i have always hated flowers (funerals and apologies.) i keep waiting for a wedding planning mechanism to click on in my head, but eight months later, it still has not happened.

i worried admitting my feelings would deem me unappreciative. i felt my dreams of a small, quiet day were some how masculine or unnatural. but truth be told, i am over the moon jazzed to be getting married. i cannot wait to be a wife and a mother. but for me, our wedding day is just an initial step towards an over-arcing fairytale LIFE. the day will be wonderful, but i am more psyched about the marriage.

when my mister and i got engaged we decided to wait six months before we began any planning. with under two years of dating under our belts, and the rest of our lives to look forward to, we demand to enjoy the sweet spot of engagement while it lasts.

trying to plan an intimate wedding is harder than i ever imagined. there are details to finalized that i did not even know were real things until recently (personalized napkins.) inside the last two months the pressure of fondant and favors finally started to win. and then one day last week i questioned if i was even the marrying kind of girl. i panicked.

anthony patiently listened to my fears, let me cry it out, and did his damnedest to calm my anxiety.

together we headed to lbi and climbed to the top of the barnegat lighthouse. the place we where i grew up… where we spent my twenty ninth birthday… where we found that wooden cross after the storm and decided to take our pilgrimage to israel… where on my thirtieth birthday my mister asked me to marry him.

we climbed to the top of the lighthouse in the crazy winds and stood still. fierce winds whipped all around us, but we were untouchable. safe inside our lighthouse. safe as long as we were together.

in that moment i knew… anthony did not bring me to lbi to check out cupcakes, or trolleys, or hotels. he brought me to the lighthouse to remind me of what we are doing. to reassure me that this big party we are throwing in june is not so much about our wedding day, but about a start to our beautiful life as husband and wife.

this weekend we stopped planning a wedding and started planning our marriage. we are learning to accommodate in laws and family demands as a team. we are supporting each other on the hard days. we are being open and honest  about our feelings and our fears.

there is a very real chance our wedding day will not be picture perfect. i can almost guarantee i will overlook details. my napkins will not be personalized and my favors will be homemade. the possibility of rain is strong and in keeping with how i live my life, there will be no back up plan.

but i do know the most understanding, patient, and supportive boy i have ever met will be waiting for me at my most favorite place on earth – rain or shine – to say yes to a lifetime of learning and of loving.