To this feeling of being in it together.
Social media has a way of making every relationship; proposal, wedding, and marriage appear picture perfect. With exactly one year of marriage under my belt I will be the first to tell you I don’t know much. But what I do know with unwavering certainty is that marriage is more beautiful and more challenging than I ever dreamed possible.
Despite what you see on Facebook, marriage is not a constant barrage of surprise roses. It is not piles of adulation and appreciation. It is not elaborate dinners for two.
Marriage is an action. A verb.
When we returned home from our honeymoon, my newly minted husband and I had trouble transitioning from dating to being a married couple. We argued constantly. I was desperate to understand who I was as Mrs. Sariyan.
And then one day, about two months after we exchanged vows, we had a huge, knock down, drag out, no holds barred blowout. It was the worst fight we ever had and it was in front of my best friend, Danielle.
After several horrifyingly ugly minutes the argument reached a boiling point. Anthony stormed out of my girlfriend’s apartment and I was left shaking in her kitchen.
I was mortified. Angry. Frustrated. Confused. Unsure of what was happening to us. The blowout was the final straw, our “what the fuck are we even doing?” wake up call. We apologized, kissed, and ordered Chinese food. That night we stopped acting like moody teenagers and starting acting like US again. From that moment on we started having fun with the process of settling into our respective roles as husband and wife. We got back to the support, the adventures, the love. And with the silly bickering behind us, we are a stronger superteam than ever before.
One night during our honeymoon a couple of guys challenged us to a game of shuffleboard. When one of the guys learned we were honeymooning, he shared the best piece of marriage advice he ever received. He said, “When small annoyances or big challenges rear their ugly heads, and they will, always try to come back to this day. To this feeling of being newlyweds. ”
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I asked four married couples the same series of questions in hopes of uncovering some secrets to wedded bliss. Their answers are inspiring. Enjoy!
Jaime and Scott Whitley
married 8 years – dated 4 months before marriage
Children: Aiden 5 + Peyton 2
going into marriage what was your greatest fear?
Scott – I hoped it wasn’t something we rushed into or something she would regret.
Jaime – My greatest fear was how calm I was. It wasn’t being a great wife or living up to any expectations or whether or not I would fail, but how at peace I felt following my heart. I met Scott through my best friend who is married to his best friend. They were deployed in Afghanistan at the time so I could only talk to him through email. Over the course of a year, I got to know him before we ever met and we built a friendship. I moved from Nevada to North Carolina prior to his return home. If we were going to date, it couldn’t be long distance. Naturally, my mother thought I was nuts. I jokingly responded it would be okay because Scott would be my future husband. Little did I know! One night we were lying in bed and I said, “Let’s get married!” He said, “Okay.” The next day we filled out our marriage license, went down to the courthouse, and got married. My lack of nerves scared me. I was about to commit to spending the rest of my life with a man I dated for only four months. But I never felt more at peace with any decision in my life than I did at that moment. He was the part of me that I didn’t know I was missing.
what is your biggest obstacle in maintaining a healthy marriage?
Scott – My deployments now that we have kids. My train up has me working long hours before I even deploy.
Jaime – The biggest obstacle is making sure we continue to find time for ourselves. Since my husband deploys frequently, we spend a lot of time apart. When he’s home we try to get as much family time in as possible. It’s easy for me to loose myself in the parent dynamic and forget I am not only a mother, but also a wife. I am always trying to be more of a wife to my husband when we are alone and less of a mom.
is marriage what you expected? what has surprised you most?
Scott – Yes, I would say it is. I have a wife I love deeply and two beautiful children. As for the surprise – how awesome it is being a parent. Tiring but awesome.
Jaime – I didn’t have any expectations for marriage. I grew up in a divorced family and understand not all marriages work out. I didn’t expect to marry my best friend but it happened. The military life was also very new to me. Not even a year after we married, Scott deployed. We have only spent two of our wedding anniversaries together. The one thing, which surprised me most, is how something that annoys me so much can be missed once it’s gone. I get so tired of following Scott around turning the lights off after him and tripping over his shoes, but when he’s deployed, it’s those little things I miss.
how have you personally changed and how has your marriage evolved throughout the years?
Scott – I have grown a lot and changed my career from what I use to do. Everything has been for the better.
Jaime – Being married to Scott has changed me for the better. He gave me two beautiful children and I’ve learned so much from him. I’ve become more comfortable in my own skin because of him. There isn’t a day that passes that he doesn’t tell me I look beautiful. I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff and to let more things go. Our marriage continues to evolve as each year passes. Every day is a learning experience; whether it be something with the kids or learning to deal with a situation his job throws at us. That’s the thing with life, there’s always going to be something. There’s always room for growth and change. You just have to be open and willing to accept it and learn from it. Scott and I are a team and face everything together. Do we fight? Absolutely. But we always resolve our issues. We never sweep things under the rug and we stick together. We do the same with parenting and make sure to keep a united front. We are both willing to grow with each other and that, to me, is the main important thing.
what do you admire most about your spouse?
Scott – I admire Jaime in many ways, from the way she thinks about things to the way she raises our children. I know my children will be raised in a way I would want them raise except for the fact she thinks they will be NY Giants fans. The way she can handle and take care of our children while I am on assignment for a period of time, to her and I sneaking away for a quick movie date. The list goes on.
Jaime – The man he is. He is an amazing father and such a great husband. I can honestly say that if god forbid if something ever happens to me, I know my kids are in the best hands. I know my son will grow up and know how to treat a lady because of the way his father treats me. And I know my daughter will know exactly what type of man will be worthy of her and she won’t sell herself short. I know Scott will never fail them or walk away from them. He will do everything in his power to protect them just like he does for our country. Scott is selfless.
what is your best conflict resolution tool or tip for fighting fair?
Scott – She knows I am always right. Just kidding. Whether you are right or wrong try to understand the other person’s perspective.
Jaime – Apologize. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. Remember why you chose to marry this person and spend your life with him.
what is one, nonverbal way you communicate love to your spouse?
Scott – Grabbing her ass and touching.
Jaime – Touching, lots of touching. Scott grabs my ass no matter where we are.
aside from your wedding or the birth of children what was the happiest moment of your marriage?
Scott – Coming home from overseas assignments.
Jaime – Homecomings. Nothing is better than wrapping your arms around your husband who has been gone for a year or six months. Those are always the happiest of moments for military wives. Having their husbands come home safely from deployments and getting to close that distance.
what singular piece of tangible advice can you pass along for newlyweds and couples about to say, “i do?”
Scott – Just know that it’s ok to be wrong. If either person works long hours enjoy the time you do have together and always try to have alone time, whether it’s a movie and dinner date or something more private.
Jaime – If you can’t handle long distance relationships, don’t like to being a single parent more than half of the year, or hate the idea of your spouse not having a 9-5 job – don’t marry someone in the military. Make sure you’re on the same page about kids before getting married. Don’t be scared of change; instead grow with your partner. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to marriage. Do what works for the two of you and not what others think you should do.
Philip and Kristin Curry
married 9 years – dated on and off since high school
Children: Mackenzie Leigh 5 + Madison Rose 2
going into marriage what was your greatest fear?
Philip – Taking care of another person.
Kristin – Surviving financially.
what is your biggest obstacle in maintaining a healthy marriage?
COUPLE – Finding time to just be alone together. There is such little time left in the day. Now that we have kids and busy lifestyles we have difficulty finding time to have a conversation.
is marriage what you expected? what has surprised you most?
Philip – Yes, even better.
Kristin – Yes. I have been surprised by the struggles we faced and overcame early on… marriage is no joke.
how have you personally changed and how has your marriage evolved throughout the years?
Philip – I haven’t.
Kristin – I think I have become a lot stronger and so has our marriage.
what do you admire most about your spouse?
Philip – Her independence. She can take on anything.
Kristin – His determination. If he wants something, he’ll do whatever it takes to get it.
what is your best conflict resolution tool or tip for fighting fair?
COUPLE – We tend to be fair in the sense that we each take our “jab” and move on.
what is one, nonverbal way you communicate love to your spouse?
COUPLE – Doing little things.
Philip – She’ll remember little things I’ve mentioned.
Kristin – I love my Louis Vuitton.
aside from your wedding or the birth of children what was the happiest moment of your marriage?
Philip – Getting our house and first pup, Oppy.
Kristin – When Phil received his electrical license. I was so proud of all of the hard work he put in over the course of 15+ years.
what singular piece of tangible advice can you pass along for newlyweds and couples about to say, “i do?”
COUPLE – Be willing to bend. Sometimes in the moment, making the other person happy is more important than winning.
Katie and Troy Powell
married 12 years – dated 2 years before marriage
Children: N/A
going into marriage what was your greatest fear?
Katie – I was not afraid actually. I was very excited to be married. My parents set a wonderful example and I was looking forward to being married.
Troy – I was afraid of being able to provide for my new family. Taking care of 2 people is different than just you.
what is your biggest obstacle in maintaining a healthy marriage?
Katie – I tend to be bossy, so I am careful when I get bossy to back off a bit.
Troy – With my untraditional work schedule (I am a firefighter) balancing time with my family sometimes is hard. I work weekends and holidays so I miss out on things.
is marriage what you expected? what has surprised you most?
Katie – It is better than I expected! Being married takes work, but is so worth it, I love being married. I am most surprised that after all these years, I still love Troy more and more every day.
Troy – Yes, my parents have a very strong marriage so I had a good foundation to learn from. I am most surprised at how easy it is to be married.
how have you personally changed and how has your marriage evolved throughout the years?
Katie – I worry less than I used to. Troy makes me feel comfortable.
Troy – I don’t feel like I have personally changed. Marriage is a series of ebbs and flows both finically and emotionally. We have dealt with those issues in a mature and healthy way.
what do you admire most about your spouse?
Katie – I admire that Troy always does the right thing. He has incredible moral integrity. Troy has always stood up for what he believes in and I have tremendous respect for that.
Troy – Her compassion for people
what is your best conflict resolution tool or tip for fighting fair?
Katie – Don’t ever go to bed angry!!!!!!!
Troy – Respecting each other.
what is one, nonverbal way you communicate love to your spouse?
Katie – Troy LOVES cookies and when I make them I always leave the bowl and beaters in the fridge for him.
Troy – I bring her coffee in bed every morning.
what was the happiest moment of your marriage?
Katie – There are lots of them. Every time we do something together (rescuing another dog, buying a home, going for a walk) it makes me happy. I am proud of the partnership we have created.
Troy – Everyday is the happiest day.
what singular piece of tangible advice can you pass along for newlyweds and couples about to say, “i do?”
Katie – Communication is key!!! Talk about issues and feelings, holding things in just makes a situation worse.
Troy – Be nice to each other!!!!!
Bill and Marian Budesheim
married 41 years – dated 3 months before becoming engaged
Children: William III 40 + Matthew 39 + Adam 37 + Gregory 34 + Annemarie 32 + Dennis 28 + Anthony 26
going into marriage what was your greatest fear?
Bill – Had no actual tangible fears. You enter into marriage for the long haul, so divorce can be in the back of your mind, but if you go into it well prepared that fear is merely fleeting.
what is your biggest obstacle in maintaining a healthy marriage?
Bill – Outside pressures can wear on the nerves of anyone. It can be difficult to keep those infringements at bay and not let them become a wedge separating you. Money and children are often looked upon as obstacles in a marriage. Throughout our marriage we had little money and a lot of children, and neither one interfered. We went into it wanting a large family and were not so naïve as to think it would be easy. We have always been on the same page in our children’s education, discipline, and Faith. We never fought over the rearing of our kids, and that helped considerably. We look upon marriage, in the light of our Faith, as an apostolate, a mission to serve God. Our Faith teaches us that the purpose of marriage is the procreation and education of children. We sacrificed a lot to be sure that these souls entrusted to us were raised in the Faith, taught what was expected of them, and trained to defend It against all enemies. To whatever degree we may have succeeded in that, is how much we have pleased God and paved our way to Heaven.
is marriage what you expected? what has surprised you most?
Bill – Marriage was exactly what I expected. Before we were married, Marian and I used to take long walks when we would talk about our future, our goals. I always said I wanted to be a patriarch, and she never fails to remind me of that when any of our children get under our skin. (Laughs) We knew we wanted children, as many as we would be blessed with, and we knew what to do with them once we got them. What surprised us the most was the realization that others didn’t share our enthusiasm for a large family. You would not believe how many times after we had our second or third or whatever child we were asked, “Are you finished now?” We sometimes would come back with the quip that as long as someone had to have children it might as well be us good‐looking, intelligent ones. That usually quieted them.
how have you personally changed and how has your marriage evolved throughout the years?
Bill – For one thing, patriarchy is not always what it is cracked up to be. Marriage, like any partnership, requires accommodation and consideration. We were most fortunate in that neither one of us was required to compromise on any principles. As time goes on the roles adopted by each partner becomes more defined and established. It is not an evolution (hate that word), but more of an adaptation.
what do you admire most about your spouse?
Bill – Other than her tenacity in surviving more than 41 years living with me, it has to be the day to day raising of our children. If we didn’t have discipline the little urchins would have overwhelmed us. Since I was usually holding down two or three jobs (our children went to Catholic school), Marian was the daily disciplinarian. Whenever one of the little ones got out of line in more serious matters, I was the disciplinarian. In either case we always supported each other. I look at our children today and can say that Marian did a pretty good job!
what is your best conflict resolution tool or tip for fighting fair?
Bill – We have two distinct personalities. She has the fiery Irish temper and I am the opposite (my German stoicism, my Swiss neutrality, or my Italian make love not war). I usually let her vent, and she calms down. It has worked. I don’t want to make it appear that she is this drop‐of‐the‐hat‐raving‐lunatic. Not by any means. If she is angry, I probably caused it.
what is one, nonverbal way you communicate love to your spouse?
Bill – Try to be considerate of what makes her happy and show it that way.
aside from your wedding or the birth of children what was the happiest moment of your marriage?
Bill – The weddings of our children and the birth of their children are right up there. However, we share in the accomplishments of all our children. Not all are married, but their achievements are also among our happiest moments. When you see a child of yours do well, no matter what or how small it is, you take part in that success. Their trials and setbacks are yours as well. But there is a special happiness when you see your children’s children. Your family tree is growing and spreading out; at those time I truly do feel blessed, and I must admit, like a patriarch. I jokingly tell people that my children are my revenge on the world.
what singular piece of tangible advice can you pass along for newlyweds and couples about to say, “i do?”
Bill – Make sure all of the life issues are agreed upon and understood before you make the commitment. There may be a physical attraction now, but is that the basis for a lifetime relationship? Or you may be madly in love, but what happens when that ardor cools? Does that mean you divorce because you no longer “love” each other? “A family that prays together, stays together.” How true that is. When we entered into our marriage we believed as the Church taught the true purpose of marriage. We recognized that God is the Head of our family. As long as we are obeying Him, we will be happy. I am not attempting to give the wrong impression that we lived our lives so perfectly, far from it, but when we did lose sight of that Truth, we would eventually realize that we had to get back to return peace to the family. So the number one reason to get married? You have to believe that the spouse you have chosen will be your companion and your helper in your salvation. We are to help each other work out our salvation. That means one Faith. You obey all of the Church’s laws on marriage you will get the graces to persevere, survive and have joy. Your choice of spouse has to be ready and willing to stand shoulder to shoulder with you against the world. The world, the flesh and the Devil are our biggest enemies. The family is to be a bulwark against those enemies. Your children have to know and believe that when you give a command or an instruction it is as if it is coming from God. It is the responsibility of the parents to know exactly what God expects of us and we are to fully understand what is necessary for our own salvation and the salvation of the souls we brought into the world. The singular answer: A shared Faith along with a complete and full understanding what that Divine Faith is.
