to prove to myself
twenty four months ago i gave birth to our son. eight months ago i brought our daughter into the world. seven months ago i started training. and in five days i am running the new jersey marathon.
truth my told my body is tired.
no. that isn’t totally accurate.
that’s the word.
my body is exhausted.
but here i am – finally at the very end of race training. i am incredibly excited and reasonably terrified as race day creeps nearer. honestly i am not exactly quite sure why the twenty six miles have my belly all tied up in a bazillion in knots.
the hard part is over.
yes running a marathon is hard.
it is really really really hard.
it is so hard in fact that as i crossed the finish line of my first and as of today only marathon i swore up and down it would be my very last. i went into that race fully trained but completely unprepared. i truly had no comprehension of exactly what would happen to me physically or mentally over the course of twenty six miles.
going into my second marathon i am fully aware of how truly difficult it will be, but this time – this time i am positive it is at the very least – possible. this time i have plenty of other “hards” (like childbirth!) under my belt to compare it to. this time i am ready.
and while twenty six (.2) miles is an almost inhuman distance to cover, running the actual marathon is not the hardest part of the entire experience.
for me – training is the true challenge.
training pushed me to my limits.
training transformed me.
as i prepared for this race i ran in blinding cold… in snow… to celebrate my body… after spending all night cluster feeding a newborn… to display strength… through tears… after tantrums (both the toddler brand and the adult variety)… to be a better version of myself… despite intense unrelenting sinus problems… while leaking breastmilk… on days i really really really didn’t want to run… with guilt… with pride… with determination… through insecurity… to lose the baby weight… to combat anxiety… between blizzards… with blisters and bruised toenails… to find myself again… against my better judgement… as an escape from my babies… to set a good example for my daughter… with plugged milk ducts… to show everyone how strong mamas are… on holidays… to raise money for an amazing organization… to carve out time for myself… against all odds… to prove to myself i can…
see ya at the finish line.